Self-esteem, according to the RAE, is the “generally positive assessment of oneself”. But you know that, my dear, is not so accurate because having a positive evaluation of ourselves is not something that abounds. The ability to value oneself and appreciate oneself is vital for life also if we talk about the sexual field. That’s why today we talk about sexual self-esteem.
What is sexual self-esteem
When we talk about sexual self-esteem we do it on the assessment we have of our person in different sexual aspects ranging from how we feel about our own body to how we behave sexually, how deserving or not we are of receiving pleasure or what we think our sexual partner perceives, to give a few examples, as explained by the psychologist Nahum Montagud Rubio. A positive sexual self-esteem allows us to propose new things to our partner without being ashamed (postures, toys, practices…), it allows us to let ourselves be carried away by our fantasies and enables us to enjoy sex more and better without worrying about how our partner sees us, for example .
Well-being and self-love if we talk about sexuality is as important as desire or pleasure. If the sexual perception towards our person fails, we will not feel safe and confident to enjoy sexual relations. I couldn’t even count the number of times in bed that I’ve thought “I hope I’m not seeing my love handle right now” instead of enjoying the moment of pleasure that any consensual sexual encounter should provoke. The times that I have preferred to turn off the light out of shame or that I have restrained myself so that they would not think ill of me. The times I’ve thought I wasn’t good enough in bed or that I wasn’t attractive enough to make someone else want me. When we have thought “I am not going to say what I feel like doing now because they are going to think that I am (insert the word slutty here, for example)” instead of letting myself be carried away by what I felt like doing at that moment and giving value to my sexual desires.
Even (and much more often) the opposite, expressing what I don’t like just because they don’t judge me. And although feeling some insecurity is something normal, especially with new sexual partners or when introducing novelties in our relationships, as the psychologist and sexologist Sonia Encinas explains, if we let it dominate us, it can lead to problems such as anxiety, for example.
How to improve sexual self-esteem
Think back to Euphoria, when Kat decided to change the way she thought about herself and that confidence reconnected her with herself and helped her relate to others. In addition to going to a professional expert in psychology or sexology, there are certain tips that can help us work on sexual self-esteem and gain confidence in and out of bedand that are endorsed by the team of psychologists and sexologists of Platanomelón.
Knowing ourselves better increases our sexual self-esteem
I seem annoying saying the same thing over and over again, but it’s just that “I’m going to get to know myself to learn to love myself” should be a mantra to repeat Self-exploration is vital to improve our sexual self-esteem. Knowing your pleasure, your erogenous zones, and not judging yourself for what you want is the first step. As the sexologist and psychologist María Esclapez explains in her book Sexual Intelligence, “it is time for you to touch yourself, hear yourself, see yourself, smell yourself, taste yourself and feel yourself. Just as a painter knows his […] tools, you have to know yours, in this case your body. The purpose is to consider it your sexual tool.” It can support you with sex toys like the LELO Satisfyer el Sila, with your hands, using a lot of imagination or with whatever you feel like. It doesn’t matter what you like and how you like it. There is nothing rare in sex as long as it is done with respect, trust, consent and honesty.Sexual positivism is the best asset to achieve it.
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Learn to accept and value yourself
He could say “value yourself” as someone who says “cheer up” when you tell him you have depression. It would serve the same purpose: for nothing. Some say that self-esteem is built with patience and compassion, and it is work is long but not impossible. We can start by loving our body, one of the great losers of low self-esteem (sexual or not). Our colleague and psychologist Iria Reguera already gave us three keys to learn to love and treat our body well: value what we like about our body, stop to perceive the pleasure that our body feels and review our body in a pleasant context . Beyond the body, having a positive assessment of our person is a way to give us confidence. Think of all the good things you have and make a list. Even the smallest things add up, even if you are the best chocolate chip cookie maker in the world. Every compliment you accept is one more step towards acceptance.
Saying “no” is sexy
I wish I had a magic recipe for assertiveness to enter your life and setting limits firmly and without guilt was something simple for everyone. But don’t worry, learning to say no is possible if we follow what psychologists told us and start by removing fear from the equation if we talk about sexual relations. If a partner gets upset or “leaves” you because you tell him you don’t want to do something in bed, delete a cassette, because love, that person is not cool at all.
Set boundaries and say it’s not sexy. And I say more: your pleasure matters as much as anyone else’s. You don’t have to do anything you don’t feel like doing, remember that a single person can enjoy as much (or more) than accompanied.
Let yourself go and focus on the sensations
Being present and avoiding spectatoring at the time we have sex (either alone or with company), is a way to enjoy more and to stop thinking that that panty makes you lorza or whether or not it will bother you that you have armpit hair. Get carried away by sensations and putting the mind blank by focusing, for example, on how pleasant its warmth is near our body, is a way of not thinking. And yes, it also serves us for moments in solitude. Focus on the music, on the smell of the candle you have lit, on how your skin crawls when you caress between your thighs. Focus on that whirlpool of sensations that you have between your legs, on the electricity running through you, on your body. Pleasure is to be enjoyed and not questioned, and when you manage to do it without company, with this one it will be easier for you. Note: Some of the links posted here are affiliate links. Despite this, none of the items mentioned have been proposed by either the brands or the stores, their introduction being a unique decision of the editorial team. Photos | Euphoria, Giphy